Sleepy brain

So, funny thing about me:
My brain works really, really fast. Like, ridiculously fast. I'm pretty sure that by technical standards, I'm literally brilliant. I don't say that out of ego; I say it because I've had people (one of whom being a psychology professor) tell me this. And in any case, it's not all that great.

I have immense trouble focusing on doing a task that isn't engaging enough to occupy my entire brain at once. If I'm watching a TV show or a movie at home, it's pretty much a requirement that I also be doing something else like surfing the net on my macbook or playing a game with my iPhone. Otherwise I get really fidgety and feel like my brain is going to crawl out of my skull. Over the last several years, it's gotten worse.

I love reading with all my heart and soul, but I can't focus down on a book and actually finish it. I've been buying books left and right and not finishing them. It's kind of a little heartbreaking.

It goes beyond just consuming media, though. I overthink things to a ridiculous extent. Sometimes solutions that should be easy evade me because I'm too busy making things mentally complicated.

Since I was eleven, I've had something nearly approximating a mental problem with the way I talk. No matter how well I carefully plan out my sentences ahead of time, sometimes when I speak I blurt things out in a confused rapid-fire burst of ill-pronounced words. Over the years I've realized that it's because I'm always thinking just slightly ahead of where my mouth is. If I need to pronounce "The Hitchhiker's Guide," by the time I've begun saying "the," I'm already mentally at "ker's," thus making my mouth force all the syllables in-between into one blurry jumble of consonants. Most of the time, I can make myself calm down enough to let my speech work properly, but sometimes it takes two or three attempts before I can pronounce something understandably.

It gets worse than just a speech impediment, though. Just in life in general, I constantly second-guess myself to the point where I seriously just feel bad and lose confidence. I've ended up making bad decisions and looked like an idiot sometimes because of it.

I don't know if it's ADD or what, but there is one thing that helps:
Being tired.

When I'm tired, my brain feels like it just works. And I don't mean just-woke-up tired or I-just-ran-a-mile tired; I mean the kind of tired where you can practically feel your body pulling you towards the floor and pushing you to sleep; where it's hard to keep your eyes open and you feel drugged. That's when my brain slows down enough that I feel fine. I can think about things correctly, I'm not constantly distracted, and I'm even a little more aware of my emotions than normal. I do a lot of my best writing when I'm really, really tired. I can read books perfectly. I can talk without stuttering or repeating myself. I'm a little more confident. It's like all the things I couldn't focus on during the day become clear.
Heck, the only reason I'm writing this is because I'm currently drugged on Benadryl and can actually get this written on virtual paper after months of failed attempts in the past while fully awake.

I just wish I didn't only get this mental clarity right as I'm about to fall asleep. It's really inconvenient.

And I don't really know what to do about it. After writing out all this stuff, it seems like it might actually be something that could be helped with medication or something. But would that be a good idea? Maybe my normally-hyperactive brain is the way I'm supposed to be? It doesn't feel like it. It sort of feels like driving a Corvette through a forest; it just doesn't work like it should. Maybe I need to find a freeway for it instead? I don't know. I should probably just go to bed now.

x_x