Saturday, January 29, 2011

Womens'-Only Gym

This was a conversation that Angela and I had.

I'm thinking about going to like a Fitness For Her kind of place.
like a woman's place.

Do they have, like, people there to constantly tell you that you're pretty, and not fat?
Or to listen to all your problems, without offering to fix any of them?

No. It's just that there's no men allowed.
No men to bother you or make you feel bad or anything.

Do they weaken the upper arm workout machines without telling you, so you feel better about yourself?

You can't weaken steel weights. XD

You can re-number them
Do they have secret rooms you can go to secretly eat chocolate when no one's looking?
Do the TVs only play the Lifetime and WE channels?
(and the new Oprah channel)

You're making it sound lame.

Do they have an entire room dedicated just to Twilight moms and their creepy obsessions with teenage boys?

No. xD It's just excludes men. Men can't come in, stink up the place, show off all their muscle and mad skeel, and hog the gym. Women, even bitchy skinny women, aren't so pretentious as some muscle-men are.

Do they have extra toilets in the bathrooms, just for bulimics?
Do the steamrooms have, like, model runways in them?

That would be awesome and you know it! XD

That would be amazing.

I really wanna take yoga.

I bet they teach that at the womens'-only gym


along with classes on self-empowerment, believing in yourself, and self-confidence.

Aw man. Women aren't that weak.
And isn't that all the same thing? o.O

Well, yeah. That's how they make so much money.
They just make you take the same class three times.
They also have a class titled "You Don't Need a Man to Complete You"


Though, oddly enough, directly following that is a class on Twilight, and its deep and powerful message for women.
That's actually what it's called. "Twilight: Its Deep and Powerful Message for Women."
It's written in that weird Twilighty font, too. On a black background, with a moon in the sky.


They also have a class named "Sports: What You Need to Know About It So You Can Keep Hating It."


There's a class on "The Look: How to Perfect It."
By the time you're done with it, your scornful gaze will be powerful enough to fry eggs on a slab of cold concrete.

that sounds cool
I wanna fry eggs WITH MY EYES!

However, there's another class titled "Cooking: Man's Tool to Demean Women."

What kind of class would be for lesbians?

"Why You Don't Need A Man to Complete You... But You Definitely Need a Woman."


Friday, January 28, 2011

Buffy vs Edward

Part 2 of "Why I don't like Twilight."

Buffy vs Edward (Twilight Remixed)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


So. I went into my local library for the first time since moving here last Summer.
It's a tiny place, but it's got a decent DVD selection. Among other things, I borrowed Twilight: Eclipse (the movie), just out of morbid curiosity. Here are my in-the-moment, ongoing thoughts.  I apologize for any semi-foul language.


0:34 - A random guy is walking through the rain, and is attacked by a random black blur. Somebody gave Smallville-Clark Red Kryptonite again. (sorry, non-Smallville fans)

4:14 - Ugh; this is stupid. It's entirely obvious that whoever wrote this only has a high school education. And only paid attention for about twenty minutes of an English lit class.

7:12 - So bored.

7:55 - Every song in this movie (and there are many) is apparently taken from a light rock douchebag playlist.

9:50 - Oh hey. It's not-Sokka from the not-Avatar: TLA movie. He's wearing a bright orange wig or something. I'm kinda scared.

11:18 - Hmm. Rumors of rampant vampire attacks sweeping the countryside. ABOUT TIME.

13:53 - Every secondary character in this movie acts as the voice of reason. "Are you sure about Edward, Bella? The way he watches you is really creepy." "I don't like Edward; I think he's a bad influence on you." "Hey, isn't it weird that Edward got you two plane tickets so you could travel away somewhere alone together?" And yet she doesn't pay attention.

16:15 - CG parkour through a forest. More weird-colored wigs. What the hell?

17:01 - Much as I wanna hate every character in this movie, I gotta respect the werewolves for having the brains to try and KILL EVERY BLOODY VAMPIRE IN SIGHT. Though their tendency to not wear shirts ups their douchebag level considerably.

18:38 - Jacob just got a rock music intro as he slowly turned toward the camera. It was hilarious.

19:00 - Bella to Jacob: "Why haven't you returned my calls?" Jacob: "Because I'm a moody teenage ***hole, that's why."

21:00 - Even the other werewolves make reference to Jacob's "melodramatic internal monologues." Apparently, the only thing worse than being a moody teenager is being a moody telepathic teenager.

24:45 - Everyone in this movie has apparently been drinking straight-up liquid testosterone and estrogen.

28:02 - Apparently, the makeup artist's idea of "make people look pale" is "dunk their faces in baking powder."

30:00 - Watching Edward and Jacob try to one-up each other in manliness is probably the gayest thing I've ever seen.

37:56 - Bella: "After you change me into a vampire, I'll have to explain to my family why I won't be visiting at holidays and stuff..."
Edward: "After a few decades, they'll all be dead anyway, and it won't matter."
Bella: "Oh! Okay! "

41:45- I think I've spent a good half of this movie so far with my face in my hands.

42:08 - Jacob, in a DISPLAY OF HIS AFFECTIONATE MANLINESS, grabs Bella and kisses her. She pulls back and punches him in the face. His face doesn't move, and she breaks her hand. HAAAAAAA.

42:45 - Jacob & Edward, their faces about four inches apart: SNARLSNARL GRRR RAWR SNARL. I seriously thought they were going to make out.

46:30 - Flashback to... 1920s drunken gang rape? What?

46:55 - Oh. Vampire vengeance. Gotcha. Still don't care.

49:00 - Dakota Fanning and three dudes with Justin Bieber haircuts watch over an alleyway vampire mob scene in Seattle. That's either the greatest or worst thing ever; I can't decide.

50:50 - The Valedictorian at Bella's high school: "This isn't the time to make hard, fast decisions. This is the time to make mistakes." That logic leads you down a bad road. I should know; I picked up this movie.

53:20 - This movie so far:
Posted Image

57:13 - "Twelve [Vampire] Newborns are more powerful than an army of thousands," and "no human army could stop them." Clearly, Stephenie Meyer's idea of a human military was taken from M.A.S.H.

58:25 - Now a bunch of pale dudes in turtlenecks are wrestling in the forest. I'm strangely uncomfortable.

1:01:40 - Another flashback! This time to... Civil War-era Texas? Hrm. Not-Sokka's idea of a Texan accent is borderline-offensive to a native.

1:06:36 - An entire army of hipster douchebags. Somebody call Scott Pilgrim.

1:08:45 - Jacob: "You can love more than one person at a time." So... he's in love with Edward, too?

1:12:00 - Bella and her dad are having "the talk." Hmm. He's not giving her any advice on being with more than one person.

Edward: "...damn."

1:19:00 - Why does Edward want to marry Bella? She's a complete psycho. Does he think he can change her or something?—oh, right, yeah. =P

1:24:07 - The evil vampires are walking across the bottom of a lake, exactly like the skeletons in Pirates of the Caribbean. They even have the exact same pounding brass music in the background.

1:25:25 - Edward, Bella, and Jacob are camping alone together in a tiny tent. Man, if my theory about them turns out to be correct...

1:26:02 - Jacob to Edward: "I am hotter than you."

1:35:40 - Bah. Nothing happened in the tent. Just more teen angst.

1:36:40 - Vampire/Werewolf army face-off. Hmm. There's actually some cool fighting stuff in here. Surprising.

1:37:26 - I just realized what the vampires remind me of. Pale, dressed like hipsters, and constantly in weird statuesque/homoerotic poses? They're mannequins from The Gap.

1:40:45 - Dangit, Bryce Dallas Howard, you're too hot to be in this movie. GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

1:42:30 - Oh. Looks like she did. Good for her.

1:44:15 - Jacob "had all the bones on the right side of his body shattered." He looks the same, only he's grimacing and can't move.

1:48:10 - Awww. After fighting evil vampires together, the good vampires and the werewolves are friends! Lame.

1:54:28 - Oh, wait, that last scene was the movie's climax? Dang. I had no idea.

1:55:16 - Seriously. Could they have picked actors with any less chemistry than Stewart and Pattinson? I mean, it's three movies in and I still don't know why they like each other.

1:55:30 - What?! Credits?!? THAT WAS THE ENDING?!? Guh. Seriously, NOTHING HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE. NOTHING AT ALL. You could skip this one and miss nothing in the plot, because THERE IS NO PLOT. The characters are all in the exact same places they were at the end of the last movie; nothing's different. One evil vampire character died, but that only took two minutes of screen time. I just watched two hours of nonsense for no reason.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Hmm.  So.  I have decided that I should be far less affectionate/sentimental/overly sweet for no reason when talking to girls.  Especially ones I like.

That is all.

iPhone on Verizon

The iPhone is coming to Verizon next month!  Finally, the tyranny of AT&T can end!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Old Friends

So. I've only blogged here thrice in the last five months.
I'm not entirely sure why.  I think, mostly, I just haven't had the urge to write about anything relating to myself.  I've (mostly) kept up with my other fiction projects, but haven't posted anything here in a while. Oh well.  I think I'm gonna try and actually do that "daily posting" thing that I said I'd do a while back.

So I went back through my old MySpace account (just for the heck of it) and looked through my message inbox from 2006-2008.
Man, it's SO weird.  It feels like it was a whole different life.
Through reading my old conversations, one thing really jumped out at me: I had really, amazingly wonderful friends back then.

Now, if you're reading this, you're probably one of my "new friends" that I got after I graduated high school.  I don't mean to say that any of my current friends aren't still amazing. ('cause I really have met a ton of great people in the last few years.  Robert, Bree, Steph, etc.)  But there was definitely something different back then.  I don't know what it was.

Maybe it was that my high school friends and I were more "innocent" back then.  Maybe it was that we'd grown up together.  I mean, they were there when my dad died.  They supported me, prayed for me, adopted me, and were about as loving and affectionate of a family as I've ever had (my dad aside).

I read through a ton of messages tonight.  Was very surprised by what I found.  I had friends that were sweet and generous for the sake of being sweet and generous.  It's so, so bizarre, reading it all now.
Before my Senior Prom (in June of 2007), things were very very different.  I was a very different person.  I was more than a little clingy, but otherwise pretty normal.  I remember one friend in particular; every now and then I'd say (over MySpace mail) something overly clingy or (non-romantically) affectionate to her.  But she wouldn't get weirded out, or anything like that.  She'd just respond with a smilie and words of friendship.

I really can't describe what things like that meant to me. That kind of warmth and love. I don't even think I realized how important it was at the time.

Eventually, after the prom, my friends sort of faded away.  I graduated immediately after that, and suddenly didn't have my "family" anymore.  I moved to a new house, went to college full-time, started working part-time, and had no one.  Meanwhile, all I could do was focus on how my life wasn't where I wanted it to be; how my "dreams" weren't working out.  It tore me apart.

I kinda went psycho.  Every bulletin I put up on MySpace was an angry, selfish rant.  It was terrible.  I probably pushed a lot of people away because of it.

That same friend from before eventually got too busy with life to keep in contact with me.  She also somewhat got annoyed with me. I don't think it was entirely my fault, but I probably didn't help it much. She moved on with life, and I didn't, exactly. I don't think I really knew how.

Over the last two years or so, I kind of "stabilized."  I stopped being so emotionally unstable.  But I also got worse than I'd ever been.
I simply got used to living without love; without true friendship.  I had a few friends here and there, sure, but I'd see them so infrequently and with so little intimacy that it really only got me by to a certain extent.  I just became jaded, unmotivated, and completely unhappy.

The real thing—that "feeling"—that I got from my old friends—and that which I later lost—was God's love.  That's always what it was.
It's not their job to still be there for me; it's my job to make sure that I realize that God is there for me.

I probably won't get back a lot of the people that have moved on to their own very separate lives now, but I don't need to.

My friend wrote this and sent it to me back in 2007:

and so I realize everyone is changing.
people who used to be shy, now outgoing.
its insane to see people I knew when I was 5 now driving.
people who said they would never do something,
do exactly what they said they'd never do.
i guess all this change caught me by surprise.
but i also realized i've changed too.
i guess i never noticed so much because
i never realized how much I've changed myself.
anyway, just my thoughts.

life goes on.

the simple days are gone.
and so begins reality.
so begins the realization that nothing ever stays the same.
differences appear.
years go by and time wastes.
but memories are gained.
still, nothing ever stays the same.
at the same time,
life would be boring with nothing new to come.
and so, the simple days are gone,
but new tomorrows will become.

I think, at the time, I didn't really pay it much notice. Just another one of the hundreds of poems and abstract musings that high school seniors wrote at the time.
But now, looking back, it means more than I ever realized.  I miss her (and others) dearly.  But that's okay.  I'll be okay.  :)