It's a tiny place, but it's got a decent DVD selection. Among other things, I borrowed Twilight: Eclipse (the movie), just out of morbid curiosity. Here are my in-the-moment, ongoing thoughts. I apologize for any semi-foul language.
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0:34 - A random guy is walking through the rain, and is attacked by a random black blur. Somebody gave Smallville-Clark Red Kryptonite again. (sorry, non-Smallville fans)
4:14 - Ugh; this is stupid. It's entirely obvious that whoever wrote this only has a high school education. And only paid attention for about twenty minutes of an English lit class.
7:12 - So bored.
7:55 - Every song in this movie (and there are many) is apparently taken from a light rock douchebag playlist.
9:50 - Oh hey. It's not-Sokka from the not-Avatar: TLA movie. He's wearing a bright orange wig or something. I'm kinda scared.
11:18 - Hmm. Rumors of rampant vampire attacks sweeping the countryside. ABOUT TIME.
13:53 - Every secondary character in this movie acts as the voice of reason. "Are you sure about Edward, Bella? The way he watches you is really creepy." "I don't like Edward; I think he's a bad influence on you." "Hey, isn't it weird that Edward got you two plane tickets so you could travel away somewhere alone together?" And yet she doesn't pay attention.
16:15 - CG parkour through a forest. More weird-colored wigs. What the hell?
17:01 - Much as I wanna hate every character in this movie, I gotta respect the werewolves for having the brains to try and KILL EVERY BLOODY VAMPIRE IN SIGHT. Though their tendency to not wear shirts ups their douchebag level considerably.
18:38 - Jacob just got a rock music intro as he slowly turned toward the camera. It was hilarious.
19:00 - Bella to Jacob: "Why haven't you returned my calls?" Jacob: "Because I'm a moody teenage ***hole, that's why."
21:00 - Even the other werewolves make reference to Jacob's "melodramatic internal monologues." Apparently, the only thing worse than being a moody teenager is being a moody telepathic teenager.
24:45 - Everyone in this movie has apparently been drinking straight-up liquid testosterone and estrogen.
28:02 - Apparently, the makeup artist's idea of "make people look pale" is "dunk their faces in baking powder."
30:00 - Watching Edward and Jacob try to one-up each other in manliness is probably the gayest thing I've ever seen.
37:56 - Bella: "After you change me into a vampire, I'll have to explain to my family why I won't be visiting at holidays and stuff..."
Edward: "After a few decades, they'll all be dead anyway, and it won't matter."
Bella: "Oh! Okay! "
41:45- I think I've spent a good half of this movie so far with my face in my hands.
42:08 - Jacob, in a DISPLAY OF HIS AFFECTIONATE MANLINESS, grabs Bella and kisses her. She pulls back and punches him in the face. His face doesn't move, and she breaks her hand. HAAAAAAA.
42:45 - Jacob & Edward, their faces about four inches apart: SNARLSNARL GRRR RAWR SNARL. I seriously thought they were going to make out.
46:30 - Flashback to... 1920s drunken gang rape? What?
46:55 - Oh. Vampire vengeance. Gotcha. Still don't care.
49:00 - Dakota Fanning and three dudes with Justin Bieber haircuts watch over an alleyway vampire mob scene in Seattle. That's either the greatest or worst thing ever; I can't decide.
50:50 - The Valedictorian at Bella's high school: "This isn't the time to make hard, fast decisions. This is the time to make mistakes." That logic leads you down a bad road. I should know; I picked up this movie.
53:20 - This movie so far:
57:13 - "Twelve [Vampire] Newborns are more powerful than an army of thousands," and "no human army could stop them." Clearly, Stephenie Meyer's idea of a human military was taken from M.A.S.H.
58:25 - Now a bunch of pale dudes in turtlenecks are wrestling in the forest. I'm strangely uncomfortable.
1:01:40 - Another flashback! This time to... Civil War-era Texas? Hrm. Not-Sokka's idea of a Texan accent is borderline-offensive to a native.
1:06:36 - An entire army of hipster douchebags. Somebody call Scott Pilgrim.
1:08:45 - Jacob: "You can love more than one person at a time." So... he's in love with Edward, too?
1:12:00 - Bella and her dad are having "the talk." Hmm. He's not giving her any advice on being with more than one person.
1:16:09 - Bella: "PLEEEEEAAAASE SLEEP WITH ME"
Edward: "WHAT? NO. NO.
Bella: "IF YOU DON'T, THE PLOT WILL NEVER ADVANCE AND WE'LL BE STUCK HERE FOREVER!!!"
Edward: "...damn."
1:19:00 - Why does Edward want to marry Bella? She's a complete psycho. Does he think he can change her or something?—oh, right, yeah. =P
1:24:07 - The evil vampires are walking across the bottom of a lake, exactly like the skeletons in Pirates of the Caribbean. They even have the exact same pounding brass music in the background.
1:25:25 - Edward, Bella, and Jacob are camping alone together in a tiny tent. Man, if my theory about them turns out to be correct...
1:26:02 - Jacob to Edward: "I am hotter than you."
1:35:40 - Bah. Nothing happened in the tent. Just more teen angst.
1:36:40 - Vampire/Werewolf army face-off. Hmm. There's actually some cool fighting stuff in here. Surprising.
1:37:26 - I just realized what the vampires remind me of. Pale, dressed like hipsters, and constantly in weird statuesque/homoerotic poses? They're mannequins from The Gap.
1:40:45 - Dangit, Bryce Dallas Howard, you're too hot to be in this movie. GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
1:42:30 - Oh. Looks like she did. Good for her.
1:44:15 - Jacob "had all the bones on the right side of his body shattered." He looks the same, only he's grimacing and can't move.
1:48:10 - Awww. After fighting evil vampires together, the good vampires and the werewolves are friends! Lame.
1:54:28 - Oh, wait, that last scene was the movie's climax? Dang. I had no idea.
1:55:16 - Seriously. Could they have picked actors with any less chemistry than Stewart and Pattinson? I mean, it's three movies in and I still don't know why they like each other.
1:55:30 - What?! Credits?!? THAT WAS THE ENDING?!? Guh. Seriously, NOTHING HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE. NOTHING AT ALL. You could skip this one and miss nothing in the plot, because THERE IS NO PLOT. The characters are all in the exact same places they were at the end of the last movie; nothing's different. One evil vampire character died, but that only took two minutes of screen time. I just watched two hours of nonsense for no reason.
The books are better :P And the movie wasn't THAT bad.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I agree 200% on 1:55:16.
~Kendra
I'm glad you did that so I don't have to
ReplyDelete